The Curse of Canaan

I feel for Sunday school teachers.  I really do.

I mean, you have to be a special kind of person to take a book that's essentially a thousand pages of torture, rape, murder, incest and general what-the-fuckery in between lists of largely irrelevant and contradictory rules and make it kid-friendly.  You can barely crack this sucker open without landing on a page where someone is killed or molested, which is why, I suppose, those spiritual molders of young minds have to cling to the least traumatizing stories they can find.  Ironically, one of their favourite kiddie stories is also the one where God kills fucking everyone.

Yes, I'm talking about Noah.  This story is so well known that even I, as a wee godless heathen child, knew the Noah's Ark story.  They make play-sets and picture books about this guy, and why not?  There's animals!  Kids love animals!  And Noah, why, look at him!  With that big long beard, he's practically a non-heretical version of Santa Claus!  What's that?  God mercilessly slaughters millions of helpless people in this story?  Hush, you!  God-approved Santa is tending to the fluffy animals!

Surprisingly, my Holy Beef is not with the Noah's Ark story.  The Great Deluge myth is found all over the world.  My Holy Beef is with Noah himself.  What, did you think a guy who was literally 600 years old at the time of the Flood didn't have any dirty laundry to air?  I know your nasty little secret, Noah, and I'm sharing.

See, after the destruction of all mankind, Noah settled down to become a raging alcoholic vinter.  One night, he got totally shitfaced drunk enjoyed the fruits of his labour a little too much and ... well, he passed out naked.  There's not really any eloquent way of putting that.

"And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." - Genesis 9:20-21

Thanks, Bible.  You put the story of an old man turning to alcoholism to escape his post-traumatic stress disorder so bluntly it's almost poetic.

Now, Noah has three grown sons with children of their own at this point: Shem, Ham and Japheth.  Ham, presumably checking on the poor old drunk, suffers the soul-shattering horror of seeing the droopy, wrinkly old man ass of his literally ancient father.  Understandably traumatized, he runs off to tell his brothers to do something about it.

"And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers without." - Genesis 9:22.

Shem and Japheth, forewarned by their brother of His Royal Wrinkliness' personal bits flapping around in the open, averted their eyes as they entered the tent and threw a blanket over poor old Noah.  Noah slept it off, and when he came to he somehow knew what had gone down.  Now, the only positive to getting blackout drunk is that when you wake up, you're spared the memory of all the embarrassing shit you did.  Noah wasn't.  I think it's understandable at this point for Noah to be a little embarrassed and angry with himself.  After all, he wasn't just POD in front of anyone, but in front of his own kids.  That's got to be all sorts of humiliati--

"And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.  And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren." - Genesis 9:24-25.

Whoa, back up there, Noah.  You're cursing who?  Your grandson, Canaan, who had absolutely nothing to do with anything?  Because your son saw you naked after you passed out naked in your tent?  It's not like he left you there; he told his brothers and they covered you up.  You know, to preserve your dignity.  You're a dick, Noah.  See if anyone helps you next time you get shitfaced.

No, really.  Noah curses his poor, innocent grandson to essentially be a slave in a world where literally everyone except this family has been murdered by God.  And why?  Because Canaan's dad accidentally saw Noah naked while he was hooched up.  That is a mind-blowingly dickwad move, Noah.  Frankly, I'm surprised anyone managed to survive so long on the ark with you without throwing themselves overboard, you old fart.

Try to attach a moral to this story.  Just try.  The only thing this story teaches us is that it's okay to curse family members into slavery when you're embarrassed about what you did while drunk, which is probably the worst lesson ever taught anywhere, and it's in the Bible.  This story is so terrible that some people actually use it to justify racism, saying that Ham's descendants are black and therefore have to serve Shem's white descendents for the rest of eternity.  (I never said they were smart people.)  And it's all because Noah, the Old Testament's most kid-friendly hero, said so.

Just ... just what the hell, Bible?